I had two journeys I needed to go through after my Hemorrhagic Stroke. Yesterday I wrote about my desire to learn about God in Beginning Bible Study, but I needed to work on my own emotional strength too. I needed to get to the root of why I was so insecure and depressed and anxious. I've always been insecure and shy, depression maybe a little here or there but usually bounced back quick, but anxiety was brand new and I did not like it at all!
"I went through about six months of depression, high anxiety, and a loneliness that I've never felt before. I was coming to the conclusion, if I wanted to feel better I needed to take control of my emotions myself."
Now, I didn't know what was wrong with me at first. I had to take my symptoms and figure it out. I did find, pretty quickly, that depression and anxiety could be symptoms from a stroke. OK, will it go away? Can I get better? Doctors couldn't tell me, how you recover from a stroke is different with EVERY single person. I continued to research, I had to find something to help, I didn't like how low I could go.
My biggest symptoms after the stroke were Post Stroke Fatigue which made me tired all the time. I was normally a pretty busy person, I worked full-time, shopping, out walking, taking care of the house, etc. Next we have, Central Post Stroke Pain some days I hurt and some days I don't. I have no control over it. I also have Anomic Aphasia I was embarrassed to talk to others because I literally couldn't get the words out sometimes. Can you imagine telling your friend a story and half way through you completely forget what you were even talking about? Happens to me frequently. The next lovely symptom is Ataxia, I pretty much walk like I've had one to many cocktails, lol. This one has got better over the last two years, but I do not walk "normal", so that is embarrassing to me also. There are several Cognitive Issues including, Apraxia, S/T Memory Loss, and Problem Solving are the main ones. Makes doing anything much harder. Finally we have, Post Stroke Depression and Anxiety, the worst. Doctor's said we needed to wait 1-1.5 years to find out what my permanent disorders would be.
We will be at the two year mark next month, unfortunately, I still have all the above symptoms, Fatigue is a little better most days. Pain is always there but milder sometimes, I am on medication to control my neuropathy, I still have attacks though. Talking is still difficult at times, I've come to realize it gets worse if I'm tired, stressed, or distracted. Walking is better, but not normal, and I still use a cane. I feel better emotionally most days. The good days out weigh the bad now, so that is definitely progress. I hope I don't sound like I'm complaining, I'm trying to just state the facts (pretty much, lol). I know I am lucky to be here and my symptoms could've been much worse. I am grateful to still have all the abilities I do. For example, typing is harder, takes much longer, and I misspell words I've known my whole life, but I can still type!
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:10
I thought I was going to talk about my research on my mental health but the symptoms ended up longer than I planned. My Homemade Self-Mastery Workbook will be tomorrow's story. God Bless!