"Should I have stayed home and passed away from my stroke instead of getting that ER care?"
In my blogs They Told Me I Had a Stroke and I Was Looking For Help on My Own, I told you of my experiences and the symptoms I was left with from my 2019 stroke I had when I was only 46. Since then I have been fighting Social Security for my disability to cover myself for the future. I was trying my hardest, to be optimistic, positive, and the go with the flow person, I usually was. That is until yesterday, when I got my second denial. They say it's due to my medical records not proving the fact I'm disabled. That made me look back and think about my doctor appointments. Not once have they ever asked me what problems am I having? Not once have they ever asked me how are you mentally, who helps you, where do you go for support, how has this affected you? Granted, I tried to speak up at times, but I'm not really that kind of person. I don't say much and I'm certainly not going to tell a highly educated doctor how to do their job. Oh, how wrong that thinking is!
I moved from the state I was in at the time of the stroke back to my hometown. I tried to stay where I was, but I was having more problems than I could deal with on my own. Just a reminder, I am a single, never married woman. I've always lived check to check, making just enough to pay my bills and make it until the next check. BUT, I've always worked, I've always had a full-time job, even at the time of the stroke. So, now that I can't work, Social Security will not help me. According to them, I'm not disabled. How, do I provide for myself then? What employer would hire me? Please, comment if you have any job ideas with these symptoms, I'd love to hear them. Some of the issues I deal with daily:
I can't stand for more than 5-10 minutes at a time without extreme pain.
I can't lift more than maybe 10 pounds.
When I rotate, bend, turn my head, move to fast, I am completely off balance and have to compose myself, catch myself or I fall.
I walk with a cane and a limp on the left side, which for some reason causes pain in my left hip.
I trip, like my feet won't cooperate at times.
I can't articulate my words, I am unable to think of the words I want to use or I have conversations where I completely forget what I was even talking about. This happens every day! Obviously I can type, but it takes twice as long as it should and I misspell words I've always known, forget words, etc.
I have slight numbness through my left side of my body, but both my feet are completely numb. I have no feeling in both feet and both hands have a delayed reaction to feeling. I burn myself trying to cook for example. I have pain continuously and shooting, electrifying pain throughout the day.
Lower base of my skull causes extreme pain at times, that literally stops me in my tracks. Not a headache, feels like a cramp. Don't know if it's related to the stroke but it started a few months before the stroke. I've never been to the ER before in my 25 years of adult life, but I went two times that spring right before the stroke. Each time is their own story.
My fatigue is mind numbing. In fact the longer I'm awake, the worse all these things get.
I hate admitting this part but I've gained a ton of weight due to my inactivity and depression. I feel so far gone, I don't even know what to do.
My Anxiety is over powering, I'm embarrassed to be different, I hate the way I look now, and I am very uncomfortable living off others while Social Security denies my disabilities. Two years that my loved ones have been supporting me so far, and none of them need that extra burden.
Now, I've done everything stroke related that the medical providers and lawyers have asked me to do. Without hesitation, without causing a problem. If I ran into a problem, I simply moved on, did what I could, without causing a scene. There was one time I got slightly heated with the lawyers office because Social Security was taking so long. (18 months for the first no!) I thought maybe there was something they could do to move it along. In case your wondering, the answer is NO.
I do understand it is my responsibility to provide for my future. And because I always lived check to check, I knew I would work until I died. I just never thought of getting disabled and not being able to work. That didn't cross my mind because I was a strong, independent, healthy woman. Why would I have a health concern? Also, we all make choices during our life. Some of those choices, unfortunately, might not be the right choice or we were influenced wrong or the money wasn't available. Does that mean we aren't entitled to live the rest of our lives? Should I have stayed home and passed away from my stroke instead of getting that ER care? Would've saved my loved ones from the task of supporting me. Would've saved the state from paying my medical bills. Would've saved me from the embarrassment of being like this, explaining my story a million times, and me feeling like I don't really matter. Then the Social Security system I have paid into my entire life can keep all of that money for themselves. I can't take this anymore, do you have any suggestions? God bless!